Parenting

Swivel into my Vacation…

It’s spring vacation time, and I use the “vacation” term loosely. Here are just a few of the highlights:

1. Getting clocked in the nose with a wooden Barbie bed. See, my daughter likes to have the better items in her house, like the fancy couch and the better looking Ken. And I get stuck with the crusty old dolls, or the rainbow sleeping bag, in this case, instead of the bed. When I surreptitiously put the big wooden canopy in my Barbie house, hoping she wouldn’t she notice, she yelled “That’s mine!” and yanked it out, cutting the bridge of my nose and bruising it. Wearing a band-aid with grease from the Neosporin seeping through on the arch of my noise is #sonothot. I looked like I got a nose job on the sly.

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Oh, hi! How was my bed in your face?

2. Intended to go grocery shopping (note the word “intended”) for the first time in like two weeks, because the condiments outnumbered the food items. But I had to divert paths, because of the #StopandShop strike. Was going to go to Shaw’s instead, which I usually avoid because it makes me depressed. I go to Shaw’s when I look like crap and don’t want to run into anyone. It’s like that clandestine spot where you’d go to have an affair in the bread aisle. No one would know. Though, I would rather have an affair in that International foods aisle, if I had my druthers, so it would feel like I was at least on vacation in Spain or India, not just in Shaw’s.

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This is me in my head in Spain

3. Decided to call a landscaper to clean up my yard, because I pulled a muscle and can’t move from raking.  I was simply helping my to son rake leaves, which was really his chore so he could earn some #Fortnite V-bucks. But now I have a pinched nerve on my shoulder and have to do a full body turn if someone calls. Remember that woman in Sixteen Candles with the neck brace at the water fountain?

Raking isn’t my thing

Good thing I have a swivel chair in my office. I think I might see if I can sneak this home and use it all the time this weekend. Do you think it’d be weird if I was in a swivel chair in church on Easter, instead of in a pew? I couldn’t very well kneel. And I’d probably take up a lot of room in the aisle and mess up the whole Easter procession. Anyway, back to the REASON I was even raking in the first place is so my son could earn his V-bucks for his video game. I need to teach him the value of a dollar! In case you don’t know what V-bucks are, it’s like video game money that basically seeps out of your bank account and ends up nowhere. I may as well just flush dollars down the toilet. The other day, as we sat in the sun on the deck, my son said, “Guess how much you spent on V-bucks so far?”  He was smiling. I took a gulp of wine and lobbed out a number, like I was on Price is Right. “$400?” I said, hoping to God it wasn’t that high. “No, more,” he said, chuckling. “$600?” I said. “More,” he said, laughing more emphatically. I will end that bit here.

Parenting, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade

I just got some bad news. As this school vacation comes to a close, I just learned that there is—-yes—another impending vacation, in April! That’s less than two months from now! Y’all, that is downright cruel. I have sat here all week, taking photos on my couch, looking at gorgeous pics of cheer in Florida, Canada, Turks n’ Caicos, and the New Hampshire mountains, and I finally powered through to Sunday! Now, I find out that this same thing is happening in a mere seven weeks? NO! I can’t do it!

But, maybe I can! Maybe this stay-cation has been a real eye-opener for me.

My week hasn’t been bad, actually. In fact, I’ve had fun with my kids doing, well, really nothing. I’ve learned to enjoy some of the simple things, like when the bath water turns purple with a Crayola bath ball. Or, when we bust open an LOL doll and find out that it’s an Ultra Rare one (like Baby Yin, the Ying/Yang little brother).

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I’ve also learned some other interesting things, like heating up grilled NY Sirloin Steak on day two really feels like you’re chewing on a tire and doesn’t taste good, no matter how much A1 you put on it.

I learned that I should not sit down with hot coffee in my hand, unless it has a lid, because the dog will jump up on me and spill scalding java down my leg and stain my cushions, which are now in the washer on “delicate.” I also learned I don’t know what the hell setting to wash cushion covers on.

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I learned I really love the “Love Songs” channel on Pandora, especially that “Once I was 7-years-old” song by Lukas Graham that makes me feel decrepit and like my life is whizzing by.

I also learned that you should try on tank top blouses from Target before purchasing them, because you might just end up with a midriff, something you wouldn’t be caught dead in after two children.

I learned that I might actually be over the show The Bachelor. Like, I might have aged out, and I’m a little startled by this. It’s kind of like a bad breakup, with all the bachelors, really, and Bachelor Nation, because I’ve been with them for almost 20 years. I’m over it.

I learned that you can’t scrape plaque off the inside of your son’s teeth with a fork, and you might have to go to the dentist.

I learned that I need a handyman to come for like fifteen hours and fix the multitude of things that are broken in my house, including the light fixture in my kitchen that I unscrewed to change the bulb, and it broke and now looks like a deadly live wire.

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Vacation was actually quite enlightening I realize now. Perhaps I should look forward to another great life study in April, a mere….seven weeks away!