As if it isn’t bad enough when you see it emerging from a man’s head like a giraffe nub, now we have it on a doll: the man bun.
“Ew! That’s disgusting,” my daughter screeched when she stumbled upon “Outdoorsy Boy” in the Faux-American-Girl doll section of the store.
I couldn’t believe it! Nestled in between Zoey and Madeline, the man bun lurked.
What happened to Dapper Dan or Raggedy Andy? Now we have Outdoorsy Boy? And what does that name even mean? I know my old Cabbage Patch Kid doll smelled like cornflower. Does Outdoorsy Boy smell like B.O. or camp smoke?
This leads me to wonder: what else comes with Outdoorsy Boy…? So I had to make a list of suggestions.
Perhaps he could come with a beat-up old Saab that he drives with Grateful Dead dancing bears stickers on the back.
He could have a copy of Into the Wild on the driver’s seat as a caveat not to eat any berries and die suddenly in an old school bus he’s sleeping in.
He could also have his Dad’s Visa card, because he doesn’t need a job, and he still lives on the dole. It’s fun to be “outdoorsy” when you don’t have to report into work every day.
He could sport a tin of Skoal mouth dip and a receipt for his Phish tickets.
Oh, and he definitely needs a pair of clogs or something that no one else would have the balls to wear, except hot man bun dude. Actually, scratch that: he’s barefoot, even in stores that say, “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” cause he goes by “no rules.”
He could have a cell phone with the digits of seven different women he’s dating, none of whom he will commit to, because he wants to have self-care and be a ramblin’ man. He only needs these chicks for when he couch surfs and doesn’t make plans.
Plans? He doesn’t come with plans. Plans are for suckers.
He might have a journal with a couple of Haikus scribbled down:
Green, Hot, Ripe
He’s deep. And his man bun proves it.
He has a few coffee cups strewn about on his floor from his latest job as a barista. But he quit after one shift, feeling the weight and pressure of society upon his manly, hairy shoulders.
Come to think of it, maybe he IS kind of hot.
Perhaps he needs Outdoorsy Girl! Stay tuned for that one…